


It's an I miss you. It's an I want you.

by AdriYay



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Crying, Fights, Fluff, How Do I Tag, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Mutual Pining, School Shootings, Season/Series 04, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 11:09:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11485125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdriYay/pseuds/AdriYay
Summary: Jake and Ryder both want Marley, until they don't.





	It's an I miss you. It's an I want you.

**Author's Note:**

> There's a brief mention of bulimia because, y'know, Marley. Just a lil warning. 
> 
> Also, this took me like a month to write and check and stuuufff but it was worth it.
> 
> This is officially the largest fic I've ever written. It might not be perfect, the beginning is weird (I promise it gets better) but I love it no matter what. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy :D

Life isn’t easy for Ryder. He knows it isn’t for anyone, but he feels like he’s struggling so much more than the other teens. Barely passing all of his subjects when he’s putting all of himself in studying isn’t a normal thing. He wants to be normal, for god’s sake, but he’s not.

And he hates to feel like he’s never enough.

So he keeps trying.

He even auditions for the school musical. Afterwards, he realizes he’s never felt so alive than when he was nailing the last note to Jukebox Hero, and he needs more. He finally feels like he’s good at something.

It’s a feeling he doesn’t get to experience much. It makes him feel giddy, and he’s happy.

He walks down the hall with one thing in mind. He just auditioned for Danny Zuko, so why not go meet the strong candidate for Sandra Dee? His feeling of happiness gets even more intense when cute Marley says his dance moves are awesome; he doesn’t think anything could take his smile away from him at that very moment.

 He doesn’t see whatshisname staring at them from across the hall.

_

Jake is a simple guy. He likes girls, singing, and dancing. He knows he’s charming, so his life is easy, enjoyable, no unnecessary stress getting in the way.

But things change. He doesn’t know if he regrets going on a date (if you could call it that) and singing with Marley. It caused him so many doubts and that goddamned stress just doesn’t go away. _She’s special_ , he thinks.

So when Kitty tells him they’re auditioning he goes for it all the way. He just wants to beat that stupid Justin Bieber-haired idiot who thinks he’ll get Marley with a beautiful, charming smiles and that cute-insecure-guy act he’s putting up. It’s ridiculous. This guy definitely won’t beat him.

Then “Born to Hand Jive” happens.

Ryder’s body fills with fury when the half-black-half-white guy does… whatever he’s doing with Marley during their audition. He almost hits the guy; God knows he would’ve done it had Artie not said anything.

Jake keeps glancing at Ryder and Marley, and jealousy doesn’t leave him for a second. He hates the smiles they share and the way he looks at her; the way she looks back at him.

_

After Sue takes the auditorium, they go to Burt’s workshop. They perform “Greased Lightning” for their first rehearsal. Jake’s a bit out of breath, and it might be causing his thoughts to be all over the place. He’s got to admit Ryder’s got a killing voice and, even though his moves aren’t flawless, he’s kind of breathtaking.

_

Ryder finds Marley trying to make herself puke before the play. He can’t believe it. She’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever laid eyes on and seeing her so insecure breaks his heart. He just wants to hug her and tell her everything is going to be ok; that she’s perfect, that he loves her. But it’s too much.

He’s been told he goes too fast.

So he just makes a joke about a fake cousin who “crapped himself in front of the whole school”. He feels his heart flutter when she laughs through her tears. Confidence takes over him. He basically tells her he wants to kiss her, and it’s probably the thing he wants to do the most in that moment, but he holds back and says, “Now, come on. We’re on in five.”

When she changes her costume for the last scene, all he can say is “Wow”. No other words come out of his mouth because his brain mixed and stirred every word he knows. She’s stunning, so sexy, and he breaks out of his trance when Kitty comes over and causes Marley to freak out.

Boy, what a kiss they have. His heart nearly explodes. It’s perfect. She’s perfect.

There’s a deep sense of disappointment when Jake sees Ryder crash his lips against Marley’s. His stomach drops to the floor and he feels a bit like crying, but he’s not going to. He just walks away.

_

A new superhero-related club goes popular, so Jake takes it as his excuse to start a conversation and finally ask Marley out on a real date. Unfortunately, Ryder shows up, “Marley’s got plans on Friday, dude,” _bullshit_.

“Girls don’t like it when you make it seem like you’re really into them and then totally blow them off,” Ryder says.

“You know what, dude, I don’t remember asking you for your opinion.” And Jake hears Marley telling them not to fight- or argue, whatever.

“Wow, you’re really intimidating,” _who does Ryder think he is?_

“Let me ask you a question: what kinda name is Ryder Lynn, anyway? ‘Cause it sounds like your parents named you after a cowgirl doll who comes with her own pony.” Jake doesn’t know why he attacks the guy’s name, but he’s got no freaking problem with doing it.

Ryder mocks him for being a “badass”, and Jake can’t hold it back anymore (he does have anger problems). They fight and he can feel Ryder’s body press up against his, his eyes full of rage. He thinks, _maybe..._  

“I persuade you to stop fighting immediately!” Asian persuasion says. _Fucking bullshit._

Ryder doesn’t want Jake anywhere near his girl. Ever. He can’t allow that Puckerman to keep playing with Marley.

“Glee Club, twenty minutes,” Finn states. Damn it.

___

Finn pairs Ryder up with Jake for the week’s assignment: Dynamic Duets. He curses himself, he doesn’t want to be anywhere near that jackass.

Jake approaches him at this locker. Apparently, both of them want to be MegaStud, but there can only be one.

They sing to Marley and attack each other during the "Superman" performance. Jake sees the flirty look Ryder gives Marley, it’s infuriating. Ryder sees the look she gives Jake, he feels pure rage.

 _I hate this guy,_ they both think.

Punches are thrown, they actually fight, which wins them a lame lecture by Finn afterwards. But they do kind of get it when Finn puts it so clearly for them. They have to be a team to win sectionals. Marley is still the reason for her fight and that’s not going to change, but they’ve got to come together.

Finn gives them another assignment. “Tell each other your deepest fears,” he says, “only by admitting your weaknesses can you realize your strengths.” And damn, he’s right.

_

Jake feels like he’s near passing out, his pulse going through the roof as he hands Ryder his note. It seems like the asshole wants to humiliate him, though. “Be a man. Tell me face to face,” he says. Jake has to get over his freaking out episode and just say it.

“My whole life I’ve never felt like I fit in. Not anywhere.” He’s half-white, half-black and half-Jewish, he’s never going to escape that. He feels a bit better after trusting someone with his deepest insecurity.

But now, Ryder won’t tell him his. _What the fuck._ He did that for nothing. He knew it was a mistake, he should’ve trusted his gut and told this guy to shov-

“I made you tell me what your note said because I couldn’t _read_ it.”

Jake’s… shocked, to say the least. _Lynn can’t read?_ Words leave him right at that moment, and he just lets Ryder walk away. probably thinking that Jake’s gonna mock him for it. But he would never.

He can’t find an answer to this, it keeps bothering him throughout the whole day. Even during Marley’s and Kitty’s performance, he can’t stop thinking about finding a way to help Ryder. (He thought Marley looked gorgeous, but it flew right past him).

After all that time spent thinking about it, he decides to tell Finn, even if it makes Ryder hate him for the rest of his high school life.

“There’s something I need to tell you about Ryder.”

_

When Finn calls Ryder out of class, he thinks the guy’s going to ask if he’s talked with Jake, but he truly doesn’t want to think about that moment in the locker room.

“Follow me,” is what Finn says instead, which worries him more. What if Finn locks him in a room with Jake and makes them talk? Jake’s seriously the last person he wants to see at the moment.

They walk into a classroom. He’s very confused since it’s full of things that seem to be for toddlers to play with. The woman introduces herself, and it all clicks. For a moment, he’s angry. He’s angry because a small part of him actually thought Jake would keep his secret. The asshole didn’t have to mock him like that just because he was dating Marley.

He starts to walk to the door, but Finn stops him, “Don’t you wanna figure out why you keep studying but you don’t get any better?” And he feels cold all over. He feels ashamed, so embarrassed and like he wants to hide forever. His anger quickly leaves him, because he realizes this might be a way to be happier, to understand, to make himself better... for Marley. She deserves someone smart, not just an idiot who can’t read.

_

“I’m dyslexic,” and he feels exhausted. But he also feels like he can finally breathe. His whole life he has knows he’s stupid, but he knew wrong. He’s thinking about his past and he can’t help but think how the future’s going to be. He owes this guy.

He’s forgotten until Finn says “Actually, you owe Jake.” _He’s right._

___

“Marley would kill me for telling you this, but she talks about you all the time.” A little hope sparks inside Jake, but he remembers straight away.

“You know, I had my chance and I blew it.”

“It’s never too late to change,” and Jake is touched for a moment. Until a giant a-hole starts insulting Marley’s mother.

He knows he might not win, but he can’t keep quiet in front of the two greatest idiots in the school. More guys come out of nowhere, surrounding him, and he panics a little. His heart skips a beat when Ryder appears. 

“Hey! Jake’s my boy,” Jake frowns for half a second. He’s confused, “From now on, you mess with him you mess with me,” and it’s such a relief. He’s glad Ryder doesn’t absolutely despise him.

The superhero club joins, too. He’s grateful as he watches the d-bags walk away. “What’d you do that for?” 

“You had my back, now I’ve got yours.” He can’t help but let out a little smile as he looks into Ryder’s warm and reassuring eyes. He trusts this guy more than ever now.

_

“Hey! Listen, I hate to do this, but I have to reschedule our date on Friday.”

“What? Why?”

“I have to study,” Ryder clears his throat and lowers his voice, “I have an appointment with the dyslexia specialists on Saturday,” and if he wants to be there by 7 am, he has to go straight home. For a moment, he thinks Marley’s going to be angry or annoyed by him, but she isn’t. He sends her a unique smile as he reschedules right before saying “Thanks” and leaving.

_

Jake’s eyes widen as Marley “asks him out”. For a second, he thinks he should be happier to finally have another shot with Marley, but the thought leaves him as soon as she turns and walks away.

_

The next time they see each other, Jake tells Ryder he “kinda went out with Marley”.

“So this is like a thing?” he asks, and he feels kind of shitty. They used the fact that he had a doctor appointment to go out, it hurts.

Jake feels bad when he says yes and his heart hurts a bit more when his bro says “No, don’t break it up because of me.” It feels like a punch, because somehow saying Marley is special and Ryder’s response don’t make him feel better.

It just feels wrong.

So he lets Ryder have the dance lead. Marley tries to make him come out and say he’s a very good dancer, but he can’t do that to Ryder. He doesn’t want to hurt him anymore. He wouldn’t be able to stand it.

Puck’s crazy ex suddenly attacks him in the hallway, and he feels a bit insecure since she’s the impersonation of what everyone thinks of him. He’s not planning to hump and dump, he swears, damn it.

 _

He finds a sweaty Ryder rehearsing in the theater. “Dude, are you dancing or impersonating a horny epileptic?” and he’s not sure why he can’t stop staring. He guesses it’s just because he’s worried about Ryder not learning the dance in time.

Ryder is a bit hypnotized by Jake’s dance moves and he briefly wonders how Marley feels when they slow dance, before realizing…

“Wow, I thought you didn’t have any moves,” he says instead.

Jake offers to help Ryder get better after breaking the news that he’s actually trained in ballet. _What would Jake look like wearing a tutu,_ and that thought doesn’t leave Ryder for a while.

Before the performance, Ryder hears Marley near tears, talking about how she feels that all of the responsibility lies on her shoulders and that she can’t shake it off. She’s seriously freaking out about losing and Ryder’s heart clenches.

“I need you to take the dance lead,” he tells Jake. He tells him that he’s so much better than him. They have to win, and that’s all Ryder sees at the moment. As Jake agrees to it, Ryder feels the last thing he had left slipping away from him, but he’s letting it go. He has to, for Marley. And when he sees Jake backflip on stage, he knows he made the right choice.

_

Marley passes out at the end of Gangnam Style. Jake’s heart nearly stops as he runs to her and takes her to the choir room, everyone running right behind them.

Apparently, they lose because of that damn rule. That’s it… that’s the end of Glee Club, and with Sue taking the classroom, it all seems lost.

But Marley finds a place to rehearse where no one can kick them out. They can’t not turn up.

Hope isn’t dead.

_

A few weeks later, Tina plans the Sadie Hawkins dance. They all think it’s a great idea until they walk through the halls and nearly suffocate from all the looks girls give them. They don’t know who’s going to make a move, who’s going to attack. It’s making Ryder anxious.

His eyes widen as a girl she’s never seen before (but who’s apparently in The Cheerios) stands in front of him, making him stop. He looks up at Jake, feeling a bit of panic build up. His friend only gives him two thumbs up, and he smiles.

At Glee Club, Marley asks Jake to the dance after singing “Tell him”. He feels Ryder shifting beside him as Marley kneels in front of him. He says yes, of course, and glances at Ryder for a second. He… feels guilty. Ryder doesn’t deserve this, even though he’s already got a date. He knows it’s still sort of fresh. But he can’t turn Marley down.

Kitty stops him on his way to class. She offers him a pass to the third base and beyond. Jake glances at her in disbelief. “I thought you were the good christian virgin-type,” he adds.

Kitty brushes that off as if it’s nothing and practically spreads her legs to him before leaving.

_God damnit._

___

“I mean, I don’t know what to do… Marley is such a great girl and I really do wanna be a good guy but it’s like-”

“Ok, let me stop you right there,” Puck explains how he does have a chance with Marley. And he feels something in the pit of his stomach.

 “I mean, you really like this Marley chick, right?” He hesitates, then nods. “You gotta resist that loving little devil,” and Puck promises to make her go away (which kind of worries him).

While they dance, Marley tells him she needs him to be with her and only her, and she’s got to take things slow. It bothers him a bit, but he can’t focus on it because there’s something else nagging his mind.

It’s the feeling of softly pulling on brown hair; it’s the picture of beautiful, sparkling, brown eyes; bodies pressed together, slowly rocking. He imagines soft, plump lips pressed to his own in a passionate, slow, sensual kiss. It sounds an awful lot like making love, and that’s something he never thought he’d want (and it scares him).

_

During his performance of “I only have eyes for you”, Ryder can’t avoid looking at Jake and Marley slow-dancing. They’re so close Ryder wonders if they can even breathe.

He sees a perfect couple, and his heart aches. That really is the end. He has no chance.

It’s over.

_

The Men of McKinley calendar.

_Thanks, Tina._

But Ryder has to admit their “Centerfold/Hot in Here” mash up and performance is incredible.

But seriously, Ryder has always compared himself to other guys and the fact that they have to hang out for a while in the locker room for the calendar (shirtless) gives him the chance to compare the bodies. He knows he’s hotter than Blaine and Joe, but no one can beat Jake. Not even Sam. His abs are nowhere near Jake’s.

_

Jake sings “A thousand years” with Marley and it freaks him out a bit. Not in a bad way, he just keeps remembering that fantasy and thinks, as he tells his best friend later, he might be in love with her.

As soon as Jake mentions things getting serious with Marley, Ryder freezes. The ache in his heart deepens as he replies, “It stings sometimes, but this is serious. You’re really into her." 

And it breaks into a million pieces when Jake says he would’ve said “I love you” back. He’s a bit lost for a second there, but he swallows his feelings and convinces Jake that it’d be better if he said it first.

So Jake sings “Let me love you” in Glee Club. It feels weird. He keeps glancing at Ryder, and he sees his supportive little smile, which makes him feel more confident.

He dedicates the song to Marley, his girlfriend. Ryder pushes, but he doesn’t want to say _it_ in that moment. He brushes off the doubt bubbling in him and nervously answers “I think the song pretty much said it.”

And because he can’t bring himself to say the words aloud, he writes them down on Marley’s calendar in an attempt to make a romantic gesture.

“I love you back,” Marley says, smiling up at him.

He should feel like jumping and dancing and singing all at the same time.

He doesn’t. He ignores it.

_

Valentine’s Day is coming up. Ryder doesn’t want to see Jake let Marley down, which is why he’s going to help. For a moment he thinks Marley should be with him instead of Jake, but the thought feels more forced than before. So he forgets about it.

Ryder’s eyes stay on Jake as his friend walks away. Of course Jake isn’t the romantic type, so he has to be exactly that for him, to cover him.

He helps Jake plan the “You’re all I need to get by” performance. He enjoys it, the adrenaline and anxiousness he feels from surprising Marley. But when he sees Jake kiss her cheek, it all goes back to him, like a punch, that makes him feel like he’s near passing out. He stares at the floor for a moment… he’s so conflicted. He wants to be the one kissing those lips and it’s new, overwhelming.

At Mr. Schuester’s wedding, Ryder saves Jake (for what seems like the millionth time) with a bouquet of Marley’s favorite flowers. Seriously, Ryder is the best guy ever, Jake couldn’t be more grateful for his best friend’s romantic ability.

It seems like the perfect Valentine’s Day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Turns out it’s not.

Will Schuester gets left at the altar. It’s depressing but they still had the chance to enjoy the reception.

Ryder sits and watches people dance. He’s got no one to do it with. He sees a chair being pulled beside him and he turns to see Jake. His heart jumps a bit, and he briefly thinks about it before Jake mentions how perfectly the gifts are working out.

Ryder sighs, and he gets turned down with the whole “Don’t you think one of those gifts should be your idea?” thing. He sighs again as he takes the last gift out of his pocket, nodding when Jake thanks him for it. He feels miserable.

“I’m so getting laid tonight.” Ryder’s confused at Jake’s comment for a moment, but when he gets it, he tries to get the guy to understand that Marley won’t go for it. “She’s not like other girls, ok?” Jake replies, “I think I’m in love with her. And I think she’s finally letting her guard down enough to love me back.” There’s a pang in his chest.

“I promised you I wouldn’t hurt her, right?” Ryder nods, “well, I keep my promises, especially with friends who are putting aside whatever feelings they’re having aside to make something special happen for me.” And after Jake finishes his speech, he leaves. Ryder just watches him give Marley the wonderful gift. He feels a knot in his throat, and he knows what that meant.

He doesn’t want to cry, damn it.

 

 

 

The night doesn’t turn out like Jake was expecting, and part of him is glad it didn’t. So they go down for one more dance.

_

“Dude, seriously, you are my savior. Thank you so much for helping me with Marley. You know I wouldn’t have been able to come up with romantic stuff like that,” Jake pats Ryder’s shoulder and leans against the locker next to his friend’s.

“Don’t worry about it, man. I’m glad it turned out ok,” he nods and directs a sad smile at Jake. His friend doesn’t see it.

“I’m still amazed by how you came up with all that, to be honest,” he laughs, “When you get a girl, which I’m definitely gonna help you with, she’s going to fall head over heels for this love genius. It’s a gift!”

“I…”

“Marley, well, she also wanted to say thanks.”

“What? You told her?”

“She just knew. She asked when we were slow dancing, which was pretty awesome, dude, like, her body is so- she’s just so-” Jake pauses after a glance at Ryder’s near blank expression and decides that maybe talking about her isn’t the best option. “Look, she got it. You wanted to help me. She said to tell you that when you do that for someone for real, she’s going to feel like the luckiest person in the world.”

Ryder is silent for a bit. He swings his bag over his shoulder and closes his locker. Jake sees him sigh, and if you could describe a sigh as “painful”, that’s how he would call it. he frowns and waits for his best friend to say something.

“It was for real.”

“Wh-”

Ryder doesn’t think, he acts on instinct. From one second to another, his right hand brushes the side of Jake’s face before he gently presses their lips together.

Jake closes his eyes for as long as the kiss lasts, which honestly feels like an eternity. When the hand is removed from his cheek, his eyes fly open to look into Ryder’s. Except his are looking at the floor. “I’m sorry,” he says.

“I-I should probably go.” Jake can’t think, and those are the only words he manages to push out. He walks away, not turning back to look at Ryder.

Ryder learns his forehead against the cold locker and curses himself silently for doing what he just did. Jake’s lips were really soft and the kiss, though short, was perfect. But he just destroyed their friendship and pushed away the person he trusts the most. He feels like breaking down right there and then

 

 

They sing “Anything Could Happen” and, for a moment, Ryder’s hopeful.

 

 

And now, the way he notices Jake has become way more intense. He wishes he could’ve been able to stare at Jake in the Old Time Rock & Roll/Danger Zone mashup. But he knows he has no right to look at him after what he did. That he doesn’t have the right to even glance at him.

It’s killing him.

_

Jake calls out Sam’s name before the guy leaves the choir room. Fortunately, he was the last one going out the door, so he didn’t have to endure any curious glances from anyone. Sam turns and smiles at Ryder, “What’s up?”

“I- uh- I kinda need to talk to someone.”

“Me? Why don’t you go to Ryder?”

Jake lowers his eyes, staring at the oh-so-interesting floor. “I can’t go to him, not right now.”

“Oh, alright,” Sam sits down near Jake, “Shoot.”

Jake breathes in deeply, trying to relax. “Ryder kissed me,” he says glancing at the door, hoping no one walks in.

“Uh, dude, isn’t Ryder into Marley?” Sam says, very confused. He’s 100% sure Ryder’s in love with her.

“Well, he kissed _me_.”

“Oh…” There’s an awkward silence before Sam speaks up again. “How do you feel about it?”

“I… I don’t know. It was weird, very weird. And it was just a peck. The thing is… I still like Marley, but I realized Ryder’s somewhere- in my mind?” Jake sighs, “I honestly don’t know how I feel.”

“Hmm. Have you told Marley?”

“No! Why would I do that? I don’t want to hurt her like that,” Jake pauses, “What do you… what should I do?”

Sam stands up, “Look, man. I can’t tell you what to do,” he takes a few steps towards Jake, “It’s something you gotta figure out by yourself, but remember to always follow your heart.” He pats Jake’s shoulder before walking out.

_

Marley smiles big as she enters the room Jake told her to go to. “You wanted to see me?”

“Uhh, yes. I wanted to give you something since, you know, all of the other gifts came from um Ryder,” he clears his throat, “So I came up with this. On my own.”

She laughs, “This is not what I think it is.”

“Ohh, yes it is,” Jake smiles, “I’m singing your favorite song from your favorite romantic movie.”

“The Hunger Games?”

He winces, “Second favorite romantic movie?”

_

 

_Oh, my love_

_My darling_

_I’ve hungered for your touch_

_Are you still mine?_

_I need your love_

_I need your love_

_God, speed your love to me_

 

As he sings, he starts thinking about _that._ He scolds himself in his mind. This is about Marley, not him, god damnit.

But he can’t help it.

He stops seeing Marley and instead pictures Ryder’s hands on his as they mold the vase. It’s like all of his senses have been heightened. He can feel Ryder’s body warmth so intensely and his knee is tingling where they touch his. It’s like butterflies are fighting to rip out of his stomach, and his mind is spinning.

He can’t take his eyes away from Ryder’s image as they sing.

 

_Lonely rivers sigh_

_Wait for me_

_Wait for me_

_I’ll be coming home_

_Wait for me_

_Time goes by so slowly_

_And time can do so much_

_Are you still mine_

He felt Ryder’s lips on his. A light-feathered kiss that makes him get lost in the world. It was so soft, and he wonders briefly if he’s about to have a heart attack. He parts away, locking eyes with Ryder for just a second before diving back in, deeper this time. Even more meaningful. It’s like they’re saying, “I need you, so so much”

 

_I need your love_

_I need your love_

_God, speed your love to me_

 

And then, he’s back with Marley, who is about to kiss him. He sees her eyes closed and barely pursed lips going straight for his, and he panics. He jumps right out of his seat. When he turns to Marley, her eyes are wide open with confusion and doubt.

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I...”

 

“Ryder kissed me.”

 

There’s a pause that seems to last forever.

 

“And I let him”

 

He lowers his head; he can’t stand seeing Marley’s destroyed expression.

“Marley,” he says as she gets up and looks around the room, like she’s looking for something. “I…” She walks around him, going for the exit. “Marley…” But she leaves, and he’s angry with Ryder. He’s angry with Marley. He’s angry with Sam. He just wants to kick something, punch someone-

Instead, all he does is sit back down and try to calm his own breathing.

 

 

 

On the Glee Club meeting that follows, Marley can’t stop glancing at Ryder. Jake sees every and each one of the times she turns her head. He can’t quite figure out what she could be thinking; if she’s confused, angry, sad, or just curious.

God, he doesn’t know anything these days (and he furiously avoids thinking about that damn hallucination he doesn’t want to accept the meaning of).

_

After school, Marley walks around a corner and her eyes land on Ryder. She glares and nearly stomps up to him. She slams the locker door loudly, “Really, Ryder? I didn’t go out with you so you decide to do this?” She furiously asks to a surprised and slowly recovering Ryder.

“What? No! Marley, no! That’s not what it is about,” he scrambles to reply.

“This is a new low for you. I can’t freaking believe I thought you were awesome for accepting that Jake and I were together.”

“Were?”

“Are. Were. I don’t know,” she sighs, “I haven’t decided yet. But there’s one thing clear: I will never, you hear me, never get even a foot close to you after this.” She says pointing an accusatory finger at him.

“Wait, no! Marley!” But he knows he can’t stop her from walking away, and he’s surprised when she turns around to say, “You just lost your two closest friends,” before stomping away.

Ryder sighs. He messed up, he knows that. It hits him harder as he turns and accidentally makes eye contact with Jake, who’s at his own locker. He lowers his gaze, and walks past him, trying to forget everything.

_

“I know we’re on Feud week, guys, but I want to sing this one song”

“Of course, Ryder, you’ve got the word.”

“Thanks, Mr. Schue.” He takes a deep breath, “I… I recently made a mistake that led to people getting hurt and this is my way to apologize to them for all I’ve caused, I guess.” He turns to the band and nods, not before glancing at Jake and Marley, who are sitting on opposite sides of the choir room.

 

_There is not a single word in the whole world_

_That could describe the hurt_

_The dullest knife just sawing back and forth_

_And ripping through the softest skin there ever was_

_Oh, how were you to know?_

_How were you to know?_

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close_

_But I’ve been there before_

_For all the air that’s in your lungs_

_For all the joy that is to come_

_For all the things that you’re alive to feel_

_Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal_

_Oh, how were you to know?_

_How were you to know?_

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close_

_But I’ve been there before_

_And I, I hate to see your heart break_

_I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close_

_But I’ve been there before_.

 

“Wow, Ryder, that was really good. Give it up guys!”

As everyone applauds, Ryder’s shoots a small smile to Mr. Schue, “Thanks.”

_

After Glee Club meeting, Jake walks out to the parking lot. He breathes in the fresh air and wishes to remember how it felt to have a simple life. It’s not that he’s completely unhappy, he’s just thinking too much and too hard lately, and it’s starting to make his heart hurt. But he can’t stop it.

He sighs. A few seconds later he feels someone stop beside him. He opens his eyes, not quite sure of when he closed them, and turns to his right. Marley gently smiles up at him.

“I think a talk is due, Jake.”

He softly laughs, “Yeah.”

They walk somewhere private and, after sitting down on the soft grass, Marley is the first one to speak. “Ryder’s performance was pretty great… I kind of exploded on him the other day.”

“I saw, you were kind of intense.”

Marley quietly giggles, “I was angry, ok?” She says, and there’s a pause. “How do you feel about him?”

Jake’s surprised Marley outright asked that, and he doesn’t want to answer, but part of him wants to finally tell the truth. So he goes for what’s in between.

“I don’t know. He confused the heck out of me and I hate everything it caused.”

“That you don’t know is still a bad sign” She takes a deep breath and pulls her knees up to her chest, hugging her legs. “At first, I thought he had done it to get revenge, you know, for me not going out with him. But then, I really thought about it and… It’s too complicated for that.

"His reaction wasn’t what I expected. I thought he was going to fight back, but he stood there, all quiet and helpless…”

There was another pause, a silent and painful space only filled by the sound of nature, a few birds singing around them.

“He must be feeling pretty bad right now, he thinks he lost us both,” Jake says.

Marley doesn’t say anything, but he knows she’s feeling extremely guilty. _You just lost your two closest friends_. Marley must be remembering how devastated Ryder looked.

After a few minutes of not-so-painful silence and staring into space, Marley talks, “So this is the end of us, isn’t it?”

And it is, they both know it, but hearing it makes it sink in even deeper. He didn’t think what they had would last forever, but he didn’t expect for it to end so soon. It kind of makes him feel sick to the stomach.

He glances a Marley, and sees a few tears on her cheeks. He crawls over and puts his hands on both sides of her face, making the little drops of water disappear under his thumbs. He tries to think of something to say, but he comes up empty, so instead, he presses his lips to Marley’s gently. He pours into it all of the _I’m sorry_ ’s he could ever say, and all the _I love you’_ s that wouldn’t be heard again.

It was heartbreaking, and when they broke away, they looked into each other’s eyes for a few seconds. She then nodded, which Jake took as a sign to move away. He saw her smile sadly before getting up and walking away with her arms around her, hugging herself.

The conversation is over.

_

Ryder sees Marley and Jake walking away. _This is really it_ , he thinks. Damn, he can’t believe how much damage a single kiss caused. He sighs and blinks back the tears that are threatening to come out. What else could he do than go home and sulk? (Let out his tears on the bathroom floor).

Guilty pleasures week passes and he doesn’t sing a single song. He doesn’t feel inspired enough to do so. He doesn’t even pay attention to Jake’s performance of “My Prerogative”, though he does notice he and Marley aren’t together as often as they used to be. A small spark of hope is quickly turned off by the overwhelming guilt of ruining his best friend’s relationship.

He was the cause.

Damn him.

_

Jake didn’t know what to do. How could he even talk to Ryder? He knows the guy must be torturing himself, thinking the worst, but he just doesn’t know how to approach him. A part of him thought Ryder would come up to him, so he made no effort at first. But after a few days, he realized how unlikely that was. That’s why he’s lying on his bed, burying his head on a pillow trying to figure out what to say, what to do.

He has been there for what feels like hours, and when he glances at the clock he notices how it’s only 6 o’clock. He closed his eyes, _It’s Tuesday, Ryder’s parents aren’t home,_ he thinks, remembering the Tuesday afternoon hangouts.

And Jake can’t stand it anymore.

He acts. He doesn’t think.

He doesn’t think as he gets changed into better clothes and races down the stairs. He doesn’t think as he grabs his bike and rides all the way to Ryder’s place. He’s got sweaty hands and his heart rate is going through the roof, but he doesn’t think as he walks up to the doorstep and knocks on the door one, two, three times.

Ryder opens the door and his eyes widen as he sees Jake.

Jake doesn’t think, he just acts.

He presses his body close, grabbing Ryder’s face, and smashes his lips on his best friend’s. It’s not soft and shy, like their ‘first kiss’. It’s wild. It’s desperate. It’s an _I miss you_. It’s an _I want you._ It’s an _I lov-_

But Jake wouldn’t do that. He’s scared.

He just thinks. He doesn’t act.

_

Right before the Glee Club meeting starts, Ryder decides to go to the restroom. Oh, how he regrets it after he hears a gunshot.

A lot of things go through his mind as he stares at the mirror, trying to convince himself that it isn’t real, it’s just his imagination. But he jumps into action after he hears a second gunshot. He runs into the stall, his hands still wet. It makes the lock a bit harder to close as his shaking hands slip a few times, and he panics a lot more.

After it’s closed, he climbs onto the toilet and covers his mouth, trying to stop himself from hyperventilating. People run past the restroom and his heart nearly stops when someone opens and closes the restroom’s door almost immediately.

Then he thinks about his friends trapped in the choir room. He hopes they’re all ok. He knows the Glee kids aren’t the most liked people in school, but he sure hopes no one hates them enough to shoot them.

His heart stops (for the millionth time) as he realizes…

 

Jake

 

_Jake’s there. Oh god. Oh, my god._

The thought of Jake getting hurt causes big fat tears to come out and fall into the toilet, making a tiny sound. And he lets himself be selfish for a moment.

Jake is… was his best friend. But after everything that happened, he wonders if Jake even cares that he’s trapped in the restroom. If Jake even noticed him leaving and not coming back. If Jake’s first thought after the gunshots was “Where’s Ryder?”

It probably wasn’t.

_Probably no one cares_

And he cries harder.

 

 

 

 

Mr. Schue’s hand is over his mouth and he’s holding Jake so he doesn’t run out the door. The hand stops his otherwise loud sobs from being heard and his tears fall and smear over his cheeks.

“You are putting everyone in danger,” either Coach Beiste or Mr. Schue says, and he gets it, but his heart is racing and he feels like he’s dying.

After he sits down, shuts his eyes, and puts his hand over his mouth to hide his gasps and sobs, Marley crawls over to him. As soon as her hand is on his shoulder, he turns to bury his face on hers.

“He’s in the restroom and he’s alone and he’s scared, oh god, he might be hurt.” Marley runs her hand up and down on his back and her heart breaks at his whispers and soft, broken sobs sounds that follow.

“I want him here, I just want him here with me.”

 

 

 

 

 

Ryder feels like it’s been hours. His throat hurts, his chest does too. He wishes he had taken his phone with him, god damnit.

He should’ve used that stupid ‘Last Chance’ assignment to tell Jake what he feels for him. But he wasted it and now he might never see him again.

He might not get out of this.

So he tries to distract himself. He thinks about what song he would’ve chosen for Jake, how he would’ve done it (sitting on a stool, looking straight into Jake’s eyes). He would’ve sung with his entire soul, he would’ve nearly tripped after he’d finished and Jake would’ve come running to hug him, to kiss him.

He should’ve done it. Now, he might not have a last chance to say goodbye.

He cries some more as he hears the door open and footsteps coming closer.

 

 

 

 

 

Jake’s a bit calm after a few minutes. He’s stopped grossly crying into Marley’s clothes and skin, and he’s now sitting, staring at the metronome that’s driving him crazy with every “tick”. He sighs, and with one hand he rubs his temples, closing his eyes.

This week’s assignment had been ‘Last Chance’. Had he known it was really the last chance to say what he desperately wanted to tell Ryder, he so would’ve done it. With all the passion and love in his heart, he would’ve made Ryder his.

But he didn’t.

And the thought sends him sobbing again.

His head snaps to the door as a knocking sound bounces off the walls and makes him nearly collapse. He frowns as the coach slowly opens the door and Mr.Schuester comes in. His heart jumps, and so does he as soon as he sees a mop of brown hair and a pair of puffy eyes. He’s up in half a second.

Ryder and Jake lock eyes. Ryder doesn’t move, but Jake nearly runs and pulls him into the tightest hug he’s ever given. Ryder’s eyes widen but it only takes a moment for him to wrap his arms sound Jake and bury his face into his neck.

They hug like it’s the first time they’ve met and their last time together.

Jake starts sobbing, leaving wet marks on Ryder’s shirt. “I thought I lost you,” he whispers.

They slide down to the ground and after a few minutes of hugging, they change the position to resting on the wall; Jake’s arm around Ryder’s broad shoulders and the latter’s head buried on Jake’s chest.

They haven’t talked, but it’s the last of their concerns, because they have each other. They can feel each other, and they know they’re safe.

-

“All clear!” is what they hear an officer shout. It’s their salvation; it’s what turns their tears of sadness and fear into tears of happiness and relief; it’s what makes them be able to _breathe_ again.

Jake and Ryder are still leaning into each other, now laughing through tears. They turn to look at each other, and they smile, eyes sparkling with tears and emotion. They’re so close Jake could lean forward and press his lips to Ryder’s, finally stating the unsaid. But they’re suddenly being rushed to their feet and they understand that getting out is kind of a priority at the moment.

And Jake guides Ryder through the halls with a hand touching him at all times. The second they’re out, he turns to Ryder and looks meaningfully into his eyes before saying “Come over, please? I sort of want to hold you for a bit.”

Jake doesn’t see the point in hiding his feelings and torturing himself over it anymore, but he’s still nervous. His voice wavers a little and his heart goes back to racing as he scratches the back of his neck.

He sees Ryder’s beautiful eyes widen before his entire face breaks into a smile. He accepts.

They arrive at his place, the trip entirely quiet, but comfortable. Jake guides Ryder up to his bedroom and shuts the door behind him. He turns and sees his friend sitting on the bed, looking at the floor, “Maybe we should talk first…” Ryder says, suddenly shy and insecure.

Jake sighs and goes to sit next to Ryder. He leans his head on Ryder’s shoulder, “This won’t be an easy conversation, so I should just say it,” he pauses for a moment, hesitating. But then, he remembers the seemingly never-ending moments in which he didn’t know if Ryder was going to be ok. He remembers the despair and overwhelming sadness at the thought of not having been able to tell Ryder the truth before the shooting. At the thought of something happening to him without knowing how Jake felt.

So he swallowed the apparent knot in his throat. _Here goes nothing._

“I’ve had feelings for you for a while. Intense feelings. You pushed me closer to realizing it when you… kissed me. That’s why these past few days have been kind of hell. I had to fully understand what I was feeling.”

Ryder just leans his head on Jake’s and, even though his heart skips a million beats and his stomach is flooding with butterflies, he’s calm. “I don’t even know when I realized that I like you. I wasn’t even thinking when I kissed you, but it felt so right.” There’s a pause. “I’m so sorry I broke you and Marley up. I never meant for that to happen. I feel so shitty about it.”

Jake lifts his head and grabs Ryder’s face to make him look into his eyes. “Hey, listen. It’s not your fault- I mean, it kind of is, but that’s not the point. Things wouldn’t have worked out for Marley and me in the long run, because I feel more, so much more for you than for anyone else. This gave us a chance, a shot at happiness. You opened that door for us, and I’m so grateful for it. Please don’t feel bad about it, because I- I-“

And their second kiss is as perfect as the first one. It’s emotional; it’s beautiful; god, it’s _everything_. And they’re not scared anymore. They want more, so much _more_. Ryder leans deeper into the kiss as he feels their tongues dancing against each other. He doesn’t want to describe the kiss as desperate; it is a _finally_.

He wants to feel Jake closer; he wants their bodies pressed together. He places his hands on Jake’s waist, separates a bit to take in some much-needed air, and crashes back in. Jake pushes him back into the bed gently, little gasps coming out as a result of their lips moving against each other passionately.

They kiss like that for a few minutes, Ryder under Jake, loving every second of it. They separate as they remember where they are, and they take each other in. Ryder smiles up at Jake, who smiles back, and presses a soft, brief kiss on his lips before saying “I really want you to hold me"

“I’d love to”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! I hope you liked it 
> 
> I am planning on doing some other little shots with this couple, maybe an alternate ending in which Jake turns out to be Kathy. I'll see.
> 
> P.S. We need more Jyder works, please, anyone, write moreeee


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